


Iron Chef Tsuzuki and the Eels of Doom

by JoAsakura



Category: Yami No Matsuei
Genre: Comedy, Other, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-21 00:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the vaults, 2002.</p><p>I was ashamed then. I'm kind of ashamed now. Hints of tentacle..er.. eel..er... you know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Iron Chef Tsuzuki and the Eels of Doom

"There has to be some sort of mistake!" Tatsumi Seiichiro had a look of unadulterated horror on his face. The horror was mirrored by every other single person in the room.

Well, every single person but one.

At this moment, Tsuzuki Asato, Shinigami of the Second Area, was beside himself with glee.

"I can't believe it! This is the happiest day of my life!!" He sang, bounding around in a manner more appropriate to a large slobbering dog then a dignified representative of the underworld.

"Dipshit. You're dead." Terazuma Hajime took another long drag on his cigarette and made haste to leave before he was contaminated by Tsuzuki's fluffy-happy-bunny aura.

"This has to be a mistake..." Tatsumi said again, in the hopes that maybe if he kept repeating it, it would become true.

Alas. The letter was real, and there was no mistake.

Tsuzuki Asato, Shinigami of the Second Area, and quite possibly the worst cook ever to have drawn breath, had been invited to the mysterious Chairman Kaga's retreat to compete in that most prized of culinary events, the Valhalla of cook-offs.

He had been chosen to compete against the dread Iron Chefs.

"A mistake...." Tatsumi wandered off, glazed with the sheer unbelivability of it all.

"It's got to be a trap! Maybe Muraki..." Hisoka grabbed his partner's arms and began bobbling Tsuzuki back and forth before the staff doctor stopped him. Watari's face was serious. "Even Muraki's not so evil as to knowingly inflict Tsuzuki's cooking on the world...." He said grimly.

"How could this HAPPEN???" Tatsumi whirled on the lot of them, and everyone, including Tsuzuki, took at least one step back.

"I... entered a drawing the last time I was on Earth...." Tsuzuki said bravely, cowering behind Hisoka's small form. "I guess I won?"

Blue eyes narrowed behind the glare of Tatsumi's glasses. "Hisoka, go with him. You're his partner. Damage control."

The two Second Area shinigami tried to back up further as Tatsumi closed the space between them. "I swear to Enma, though, Tsuzuki.. if one innocent person dies because of your Curry... you will spend an eternity doing paperwork, understand?"

The only response was a squeak, before Tsuzuki passed out.

Two days later:

Kaga's retreat was as posh as the Rosque Mansion, and the scents wafting from the kitchens were indescribable as the shinigami lugged their suitcases from the taxi. "Hisoka... am I dreaming.. or is that.. cinnamon buns with apple-caramel cream I smell?"

The boy just rolled his eyes and grabbed his partner by the arm. "Quit drooling.. please? It's embarrassing...."

Hisoka's hand was about to knock on the imposing doors when they suddenly swung open, to be greeted by...

By..

Nothing?

"Down here." The burbling, papery voice belonged to the Count's deformed little butler, Watson.

"WATSON??" Tsuzuki shrieked, hopping back as Hisoka stared at them both. "What the hell...???"

"His lordship asked me to assist in your Iron Chef competition.. he has money wagered on the outcome..." Tsuzuki felt vaguely queasy. That generally meant only one thing.

"Now, Watson, don't terrify the poor child. I've heard so much about him..." Tsuzuki almost shrieked at the impressive, stentorian voice that came from a figure further back in the vestibule. "Please, come in, Tsuzuki-san, and let me take a look at you..."

The figure turned in a flourish of sequined brocade, a handsome older man in a froth of lace and gilt. He sketched a bow with one graceful, gloved hand and gestured for the two to enter.

"I.... am Chairman Kaga.. Welcome to my home..." The elaborate cloak rustled as he strode over to them, taking Tsuzuki's chin gently in his hand, lifting the pale face up to look in the violet eyes. "Yes, I've heard such wonderful things about you... I'm looking forward to this evening's festivities."

Tsuzuki blushed, staring up like a deer in the headlights before Hisoka elbowed him in the kidneys. "Ah! Ah, yes. I'm.. I'm very excited... but.. you.. Watson.... How..?" He gestured indeterminately in the ugly little butler's direction, trying not to look into the Chairman's dark gaze.

Tsuzuki wondered if he was blushing as hard as he thought he was.. until he saw the frightening, jealous little glare burning in his partner's appropriately green eyes. Obviously, it was worse.

"You are a fan of my Iron Chefs, aren't you, Tsuzuki?" The chairman demurred, taking the Shinigami's arm in his own. "I'm surprised you never realized..." He patted Tsuzuki's hand indulgently. "I...." He paused dramatically, the diffuse light of the chandeliers sparkling on his sequined arm. "Am the Kami of Cookery...and the Count's bet.... Is with me..."

"WHAT??" Tsuzuki suddenly felt very small and very afraid. "This was all a setup?"

"Oh, no no.. you WILL be challenged to the peak of your.. abilities.. Tsuzuki-san.. I look forward to seeing your finest efforts.." The Chairman nearly purred, leading Tsuzuki to the door of his Arena. "I look forward to it indeed."

Meanwhile, in the foyer, Hisoka quietly fumed until Watson tapped him on the leg.

"Well, *I'm* happy to see you, Hisoka-san." The butler burbled before the boy stomped off in Tsuzuki's wake.

 

The lights were dimmed as Tsuzuki waited at the Challenger's Entrance to the Chairman's Arena. He had come this far, and had no intention of backing down, for the glory of Enma-Chou... not to mention going back through the hallway meant he'd have to start explaining the situation to Hisoka.. and Hisoka did not seem particularly pleased at the moment.

He'd rather face whatever culinary contest awaited him.

"Don't be nervous, Tsuzuki-san... the Count has faith in your abilities!" Watson creepy little voice wafted up from the space near his kneecaps, and Tsuzuki's stomach did a strange little wobble.

"I won't lose!" He said, determined, ignoring the wobble as the door flung open, and he was announced. Stepping into the Arena, he looked around the gleaming, wide open kitchen spaces for the judges. There were none to be seen.

This was very strange. "Where is everyone?"

"Facing challenger Tsuzuki will be none other than the greatest of all... Chairman Kaga, himself???" A voice from overhead startled.

Tsuzuki wheeled as Kaga prowled into his kitchen area. "That's right. I can't trust a mere mortal chef against the unholy abilities of a god of death, ne, Tsuzuki-san?"

Tsuzuki swallowed. He felt rather like a bunny facing a stewpot. But then he squared his shoulders. "You won't find me so easy!"

"Oh, I'm hoping you won't be easy at all..." The Chairman laughed deeply. "Our secret ingredient this match will be..."

Hisoka could hear the Chairman's voice echoing through the halls as he raced to the Arena, (Unholy is right...) hoping to prevent any number of possible disasters.

"Our secret ingredient will be....THESE EELS!!" The Chairman's voice boomed across the arena as a curtain dropped, revealing a basket of writhing, sleek creatures. "And my recipe will be... YOU, TSUZUKI-SAN!" Kaga pointed at the blanching shinigami and the basket shuddered, the eels streaking out.

"As you can see, these are no ordinary creatures, my Tsuzuki-san... these are the eels of the sea god... the eels ... of... doom!" The Chairman's laughter was drowned out by Tsuzuki's screaming as he dove over the counter in escape.

Hisoka paused in the hallway before the door, suddenly unsure if he really wanted to see what was going on in there. The only thing that drove him on, was that Watson was standing in the doorway, with a peculiar churripy laugh emanating somewhere from inside his zombified little body.

It hadn't taken the eels but a moment to entrap Tsuzuki, their gleaming bodies slithering about him, twining around his struggling limbs as the Chairman sauntered over to him. "Is that the best you can do, pretty child?" He pushed back an unruly strand of Tsuzuki's hair as a eel slipped across the Shinigami's mouth. "Do you like my lovely ingredients? They're going to make a tasty dish of you for me, ne?"

Tsuzuki's protests came out as fish-muffled complaints as one brazen silvery creature slid down his abdomen.

In the corridor, Hisoka stood, mouth agape, staring with Watson for several long moments as the slithering creatures tormented the trapped Shinigami. Kaga draped himself over the counter, watching the blush burn hotter on Tsuzuki's pale skin. "Really. I think this is my greatest feast yet..." he purred.

That startled Hisoka out of his voyeuristic reverie. "TSUZUKI! Don't just lie there, you idiot! COOK SOMETHING!!"

As the eel freed his mouth, the chairman leaning close to taste the mingling flavors on the Shinigami's lips, Tsuzuki's jaw set tight and he cried out to his guardian gods. "I pray to the 12 gods who watch over me.. Come forth SUZAKU!"

There was a rush of superheated air that sent the Chairman toppling in a flurry of lace and sequins, and a delightful smell of broiling eel filled the room. "In the name of Enma-Chou I give you ... TSUZUKI SUPER CRISPY EEL!"

The Chairman righted himself and fixed his frothy ascot. "An excellent maneuver, Tsuzuki-san. I cede this match to you.. next time.. perhaps I'll choose daikon as my weapon..."

Tsuzuki barely paused to grab Hisoka as he ran screaming out of the mansion.


End file.
